I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
