the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
