he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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