So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
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