So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
