They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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