Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
