the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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