plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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