Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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