apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
