not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
