I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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