I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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