is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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