You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
