I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
