apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
