just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
