He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
