Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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