Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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