he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
