Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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