He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
