i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
