the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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