I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
sarcasm needs its own font
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
