I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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