Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
