I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
