dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
