All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
