My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
