I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
