i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
