You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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