i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
