He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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