I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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