im drinking this country out of the recession.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
