The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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