My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
