he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
