woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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