The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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