I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
