OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
