In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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