i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
